Your the reason I wake up everyday...
The reason I push myself to be better...
My influence to carry on...
The energy that flows through me.
I know your not here
I know your far away
But distance doesn't matter
Cuz each day I am closer...
Closer to being in your arms
Closer to hanging out with you
Closer to feeling your touch
You complete me in every way.
You make me want to be whole again
Without you I'm incomplete
You are my other half of my sanity
You take all the stress from me.
You are my one and only one
I cannot stress that enough
I know we fight..
but in the end we resolve.
I love you baby!
Until the end of time!
You are the only one for me!
And I'm the the only one for you!
You are the reason I live
Each day to the fullest
With as much energy as possible
Just to be in your arms!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Love Survival
romeo and juliet
what a tragic love story
kinda like rose and jack
but without the ship
all love stories are the same
just with a different chain of events
they all end the same
one way or another
either the girl dies
or the boy
yet it gets old
just like any good story
romance is a headache
yet it is a drug
you need it to live
and without it you die
survival is your only option
and love is the key
if you have it use it
without it...your dead
no heartbeat
or life
just a cold still corpse
waiting for scavengers
just always remember
if you love
you will always be remembered
for the rest of eternity
what a tragic love story
kinda like rose and jack
but without the ship
all love stories are the same
just with a different chain of events
they all end the same
one way or another
either the girl dies
or the boy
yet it gets old
just like any good story
romance is a headache
yet it is a drug
you need it to live
and without it you die
survival is your only option
and love is the key
if you have it use it
without it...your dead
no heartbeat
or life
just a cold still corpse
waiting for scavengers
just always remember
if you love
you will always be remembered
for the rest of eternity
Nightmare
I feel like I need to runaway. Runaway from every little thing…little problem. I feel lost and alone way to much. I just cant focus or seem to have a grip on reality. I try to be happy, but yet I feel like shit. I’m not even sick, yet I feel like I’m dying deep down. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but no one hears me scream in pain. I need help and won’t receive any. I don’t want to face the fact that I need help and if I do I feel haunted. Haunted by past regrets. I’m scared. Cornered with hands over my eyes and my heart beat in my ears. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I cry and scream, but cant show it. I reach for help, but cant touch it. I burn inside with rage and anger of passed grievances. Things I wish I had fixed long ago, but if I try to fix them now…it opens the wounds. The wounds I am probably never going to heal again. I don’t need time to myself, what I need is guidance. Something or someone who can help me. That can make me happy. Yet I am afraid that my inner rage will explode and I will hurt the ones I love deeply. I don’t want that. So yet I am cornered again…searching for a way out. A way out of a Nightmare.
Confused Love
Fighting myself everyday has become easier to manage more and more. I feel more like I have a family here than when I first got here. I have officially adopted a baby nephew named Nathan. His dad works with me on board my ship stationed in San Diego. David is pretty much my older brother and his wife Victoria is a sweetheart. I love all three of them to death and I would do anything for them.
Yet the more I hang and spend time with them, the more I want a family of my own. I know I am only 20 years of age and that I should wait, but I have been helping out a lot in the motherly role with Victoria and helping with baby Nathan. It makes me want to have one. She told me to wait til after I'm 21. She made that mistake and got pregnant with him at 21. He is now 14 months and she will be 23 this month. David is 24. It makes me happy to see them all together. Yet it makes me think a lot....
You see I still love my ex boyfriend Paul. I really sincerely do. He will always fill the hole in my heart. He is the only one that can. Yet I feel powerless against him and I feel like I cant express my full true emotions to him, without looking like an idiot. My current boy Travis has met him. He says he loves me and I say it back, but honestly my heart is being shared. Shared by 2 men, I care deeply about. Travis has helped me and I know will always help me til the day I die and I know that he's the right choice right now, but deep down I want to be with Paul. It's a wound that will never heal that keeps breaking and pouring out in my tears at night. I love him. I wanted to marry him. I could see myself with him. Yet he had his own mindset and I have to accept and respect his wishes. Even though my heart aches for Paul, Travis holds me and never wants to let go. He says he never wants to see me cry or hurt. He couldn't bare that. Neither could Paul. My dilemma is out now. I just dont know what to do. I just wish everything would start making sense soon.
Yet the more I hang and spend time with them, the more I want a family of my own. I know I am only 20 years of age and that I should wait, but I have been helping out a lot in the motherly role with Victoria and helping with baby Nathan. It makes me want to have one. She told me to wait til after I'm 21. She made that mistake and got pregnant with him at 21. He is now 14 months and she will be 23 this month. David is 24. It makes me happy to see them all together. Yet it makes me think a lot....
You see I still love my ex boyfriend Paul. I really sincerely do. He will always fill the hole in my heart. He is the only one that can. Yet I feel powerless against him and I feel like I cant express my full true emotions to him, without looking like an idiot. My current boy Travis has met him. He says he loves me and I say it back, but honestly my heart is being shared. Shared by 2 men, I care deeply about. Travis has helped me and I know will always help me til the day I die and I know that he's the right choice right now, but deep down I want to be with Paul. It's a wound that will never heal that keeps breaking and pouring out in my tears at night. I love him. I wanted to marry him. I could see myself with him. Yet he had his own mindset and I have to accept and respect his wishes. Even though my heart aches for Paul, Travis holds me and never wants to let go. He says he never wants to see me cry or hurt. He couldn't bare that. Neither could Paul. My dilemma is out now. I just dont know what to do. I just wish everything would start making sense soon.
Night Mischief
Tossing and Turning. the nights roll on as the nights grow longer. I'm alone and wake up in insecurity. Searching for the comfort and protection. i need to be in your arms to feel calm. Lost in darkness and far into the distant realm of my mind, only one light shines the way. The light of a face. Near or far....my heart beats faster with each glance of reassurance. the thought of your protection makes me feel alive. U reach for the light to feel the comfort of what could be. I need the wind of light and the sacrifice of angels singing just to be in your arms tonight. To not run away and hide anymore. Yet when i have the satisfaction of your grace I become ignorant and selfish. No one can glnace at you or else my heart feels unwanted. Jealousy burns red like a internal war of disgrace. i am losing, but there is still that light of hope. Tossing and turning, the nights roll on and on, when i wake all will be forgotten. Yet none will be forgiven.
Burn To Ashes
You don’t know how I feel
Cuz each moment that im alone
Cuts a deeper wound into my heart
And I know you hate my blame
But its true that I have problems
I’m just learning to accept them
I’m always the bad guy
The downer and loner
Just get it thru that head on your shoulders
I’m not worth it.
So if there are so many fucking problems with me
Then why save me?
There’s no point in saving the lost
As much as it is needed
Just watch me burn and turn to ashes.
I piss you off so goddamn much
And yet we make up and hide the scars
We need to learn to communicate
But for some weird fucked up reason we cant
And every time we try to
It fails and we never solve shit
I don’t know what goes through your head
And you cant figure me out
Everything that we build
Turns into a fight for survival
Each night is the same bull shit.
So if there are so many fucking problems with me
Then why save me?
There’s no point in saving the lost
As much as it is needed
Just watch me burn and turn to ashes.
Im a lost cause with no hope
As much as you try
There is no progress
As much as you yell
There is no communication
So what’s the point of moving forward?
If I fuck up everything
In every way possible
I’ll take the blame
And I will run with it.
So if there are so many fucking problems with me
Then why save me?
There’s no point in saving the lost
As much as it is needed
Just watch me burn and turn to ashes.
Cuz each moment that im alone
Cuts a deeper wound into my heart
And I know you hate my blame
But its true that I have problems
I’m just learning to accept them
I’m always the bad guy
The downer and loner
Just get it thru that head on your shoulders
I’m not worth it.
So if there are so many fucking problems with me
Then why save me?
There’s no point in saving the lost
As much as it is needed
Just watch me burn and turn to ashes.
I piss you off so goddamn much
And yet we make up and hide the scars
We need to learn to communicate
But for some weird fucked up reason we cant
And every time we try to
It fails and we never solve shit
I don’t know what goes through your head
And you cant figure me out
Everything that we build
Turns into a fight for survival
Each night is the same bull shit.
So if there are so many fucking problems with me
Then why save me?
There’s no point in saving the lost
As much as it is needed
Just watch me burn and turn to ashes.
Im a lost cause with no hope
As much as you try
There is no progress
As much as you yell
There is no communication
So what’s the point of moving forward?
If I fuck up everything
In every way possible
I’ll take the blame
And I will run with it.
So if there are so many fucking problems with me
Then why save me?
There’s no point in saving the lost
As much as it is needed
Just watch me burn and turn to ashes.
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