The Wonders Of Hong Kong

Okay so here it goes…

We pulled into our first port of the deployment and it happens to be Hong Kong. I was here no more than 7 months prior on my last time out, but this time was different. I was single. The first day I had duty so I couldn’t really do much. Just stand my watch and wait til the following day. The second day was interesting. I went out with this guy named Troy. He is a good friend of mine and recently has been listening a lot to me. Letting me vent and be close to him. Yet this time was the first time out in civilian life with him. Along with us was our buddies Bryan and Travis. Travis is my ex but is still really close to me in my heart. Anyways, I basically was getting close to Troy, yet I still love Travis. Troy has told me a lot of stuff from his past and how he wants a serious relationship with someone right now. He’s 26….ready to settle down. I don’t blame him. Well throughout the day me and the guys went to Disney, then we tried to go see the big Buddha statue but couldn’t. It sucked but whatever I dealt with it. As we were on the way back from Buddha we went to the movies and saw Sherlock Holmes. While we were watching the movie, Travis told me that he wanted to bring me back home with him. He had been contemplating this for the past week. Well, I was surprised and asked him if he wanted to give it another go. He said he wasn’t sure, but eventually agreed. I told Troy and felt horrible and he was glad that at least I told him before he got too attached. As we got back to the boat both boys walked me to my berthing. Bryan went back to his rack. I gave Troy back his externals and he departed. As for Travis me and him held eachother close and kissed. It had been the first time we had kissed in a while. I felt so alive. I told him I loved him and he said it back. I kissed him one more time and went to bed. He had duty the next day which was the last day in port. The next morning, my buddy Kevin decided he was gonna leave without me. I had no buddy until some of Travis’ co-workers saw me and asked me to go out with them. I agreed, not knowing what was going to happen. We went bar hopping. Now I don’t really drink, but I drank like a goldfish. I remember quite a few bits and pieces, but other than that…I felt really good. I ended up being with pretty much Travis’ division. It was bad. As far as I know…I am a cute and crazy lil drunk according to the guys. Great…now I have a major headache and I don’t know what to do. Hong Kong was awesome…

Done With It...

so i have finally realized what i need to do and who i should be with. i need to be single and to just enjoy the time given to me. don't think about my exes, even if they hang with me or care for me. they care for me cuz they worry about me and don't want me to get hurt. i understand that now. i need to not think about getting back with them. i just know that i will be happy with someone, but for right now i need to make time for myself. figure out what i want to do. i love all my exes and they are all my best friends, but that's all. if something happens then awesome, but I'm not gonna go crazy. i need to accept this. and to all my exes who i care about deeply still. I'm here too, just please understand my actions if i seem distant. i just want someone to lean back on. and you all have always been there for me, thank you. that's all i can say.

I need to know

I need to know
What is going on
Inside that head of yours
You confuse me
I don’t know what to say
Or what to do
I just want to cry
Show my true colors
If only you could see
What is going through my head
And see how bad my heart
Aches each day for your touch
And what I would do
For that opportunity
To be the one
By your side each day
And every night

Confusion on the Battlefield

Okay so I have this problem...I'm being tossed between love. I love my ex Paul with all my heart, yet he doesn't want a relationship. Then there is Andrew. He's a sweetheart and cares a lot about me. We flirt all the time, cuz that's how we are. Then there is Travis. He cares a lot about me and cant make up his mind between me and a girl back home. Who apparently is a lot like me personality wise. Ive dated all 3 of them and am confused as shit. I have feelings for all 3. I just cant choose who I have stronger feelings for. Paul I was with for 10 months. He will always have a part of my heart. Andrew saved me from depression yet hurt me with his alcohol problems but has gotten better. Travis is just confused yet has helped me through some tough shit and says he loves me. Just like Paul says yet Paul isn't IN love with me but loves me. I'M SO CONFUSED!

Out To Sea...

Officially underway...Just rocking out. A couple days before I deployed I met up with my ex boyfriend. He was moving into his new apartment and needed some help, so I decided to help with our ignored friendship over the past couple months for my own reasons, so I went. He didn't have much, just his own stuff. No bed, no couch, no TV. He was basically just buying stuff from the local convenience store to get by before we went underway. Well, as I was helping him with unpacking, he came across a couple personal belongings of mine he didn't know was in some bags he grabbed from our storage unit. He joked with me and began to throw it at me. I did too, and next thing you know one thing led to another and I was on top of him. All I could do was collapse. I was tired and was breathing heavy. He held me close and began to lightly stroke my arm and back. It felt like old times to me where I felt safe in his arms again. I nudge him lightly into his neck. I still love him, yet he says hes not in love with me, but loves me and cares for me. He doesn't want to hurt me and I know this yet he likes to be held and has been lonely. He told me his anxiety is back and has been drinking and smoking more. I tell him not to and that I care for him. He knows that and I hope he understands, but being close to him makes me feel alive again. I cant describe it. We cuddled a lot that night and kissed. I miss kissing him. I miss that interaction with him, yet we made an agreement. Deployment we will be single. After we will talk. I want to be back with him. I love him that much. He has my heart and he knows this. Just I want to be able to hold him at night and have him protect me. I miss that terribly. I just wish he could see why I want to be near him. He makes me happy. Even when we were together, I know that we fought a lot, but I wish I could take that back. Make up that time. Just, I want to be by his side. Care for him. He is an amazing person, yet very misunderstood. People don't like him because of how he holds himself, yet I know how he is. Even though we fought back then, I still loved him and still do. I just wish he could see that and understand that.