Out To Sea...

Officially underway...Just rocking out. A couple days before I deployed I met up with my ex boyfriend. He was moving into his new apartment and needed some help, so I decided to help with our ignored friendship over the past couple months for my own reasons, so I went. He didn't have much, just his own stuff. No bed, no couch, no TV. He was basically just buying stuff from the local convenience store to get by before we went underway. Well, as I was helping him with unpacking, he came across a couple personal belongings of mine he didn't know was in some bags he grabbed from our storage unit. He joked with me and began to throw it at me. I did too, and next thing you know one thing led to another and I was on top of him. All I could do was collapse. I was tired and was breathing heavy. He held me close and began to lightly stroke my arm and back. It felt like old times to me where I felt safe in his arms again. I nudge him lightly into his neck. I still love him, yet he says hes not in love with me, but loves me and cares for me. He doesn't want to hurt me and I know this yet he likes to be held and has been lonely. He told me his anxiety is back and has been drinking and smoking more. I tell him not to and that I care for him. He knows that and I hope he understands, but being close to him makes me feel alive again. I cant describe it. We cuddled a lot that night and kissed. I miss kissing him. I miss that interaction with him, yet we made an agreement. Deployment we will be single. After we will talk. I want to be back with him. I love him that much. He has my heart and he knows this. Just I want to be able to hold him at night and have him protect me. I miss that terribly. I just wish he could see why I want to be near him. He makes me happy. Even when we were together, I know that we fought a lot, but I wish I could take that back. Make up that time. Just, I want to be by his side. Care for him. He is an amazing person, yet very misunderstood. People don't like him because of how he holds himself, yet I know how he is. Even though we fought back then, I still loved him and still do. I just wish he could see that and understand that.