Fighting myself everyday has become easier to manage more and more. I feel more like I have a family here than when I first got here. I have officially adopted a baby nephew named Nathan. His dad works with me on board my ship stationed in San Diego. David is pretty much my older brother and his wife Victoria is a sweetheart. I love all three of them to death and I would do anything for them.
Yet the more I hang and spend time with them, the more I want a family of my own. I know I am only 20 years of age and that I should wait, but I have been helping out a lot in the motherly role with Victoria and helping with baby Nathan. It makes me want to have one. She told me to wait til after I'm 21. She made that mistake and got pregnant with him at 21. He is now 14 months and she will be 23 this month. David is 24. It makes me happy to see them all together. Yet it makes me think a lot....
You see I still love my ex boyfriend Paul. I really sincerely do. He will always fill the hole in my heart. He is the only one that can. Yet I feel powerless against him and I feel like I cant express my full true emotions to him, without looking like an idiot. My current boy Travis has met him. He says he loves me and I say it back, but honestly my heart is being shared. Shared by 2 men, I care deeply about. Travis has helped me and I know will always help me til the day I die and I know that he's the right choice right now, but deep down I want to be with Paul. It's a wound that will never heal that keeps breaking and pouring out in my tears at night. I love him. I wanted to marry him. I could see myself with him. Yet he had his own mindset and I have to accept and respect his wishes. Even though my heart aches for Paul, Travis holds me and never wants to let go. He says he never wants to see me cry or hurt. He couldn't bare that. Neither could Paul. My dilemma is out now. I just dont know what to do. I just wish everything would start making sense soon.
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